HaHalloween III: The Final Chapter

“I never tied people up and forced them to read my HaHalloween jokes, and I could’ve ’cause I’m a big guy and I’m good with knots.”

So, it was not my plan to embark on another HaHalloween episode. The barrel had been scraped, the well had run dry…or so we had thought (to be honest, many considered the barrels and wells empty to begin with). And yet, I coudn’t help myself once the puns began to flow. So another thirty-one hallowed days have passed, another thirty-one jokes, quips, and memery flung agains the Twitter wall in the hope anything would stick. Feast yourselves on HaHalloween III: The Final Chapter. Final, you say? Perhaps. Or perhaps more in the fashion of horror movie sequels. With every final chapter, comes a resurrection, reboot or remake…

Q. What’s a dungeon keeper’s favourite song?
A. Chained Melody.

Q. Why was the squire afraid of jousting lances?
A. Because he didn’t like things that go bumping the knight.

Q. How did the Headless Horseman appear to people when he wasn’t really there?
A. He was a Sleepy Hollowgram.

Q. How do you keep screams fresh?
A. Shriek wrap.

Q. Why do people see fewer ghosts nowadays?
A. Because fitted bedsheets are now more commonplace.


Q. On what audio format is it best to record the eulogy at a funeral?
A. Caskette tape.

Q. Which food critic compiled a guide book of Britain’s best brains?
A. Igor Ronay.

Q. Which is the Blair Witch’s favourite Mercury Prize-winning album?
A. Boy In Da Corner.

My Halloween pumpkin this year is fine, but it can’t hold a candle to last year’s.

Kid: I see dead people.
Bruce Willis: That’s not a sixth sense! Sight is one of the five normal senses, you dummy! Why I am even here?
Kid: …

Q. What do hangmen toast over a bonfire?
A. MarshGallows.

Q. What does Jason Voorhees like to do most today (Friday the 13th) of all days?
A. Hurt teens (Thirteenth).

Q. Which team of mutants led by the Antichrist fought against their more famous rivals in a game of Noughts & Crosses?
A. The O-Men.

Q. What does Batman wear on Halloween?
A. A Bruce Wayne mask.

Q. What is the subtitle of Mary Shelley 2.0’s classic internet novel, “Frankenstein.com”?
A. The Modem Prometheus.

Q. What’s it called when you’re a werewolf but the girl you’re into would rather date a vampire?
A. Getting TwilightZoned.

Q. What does Vincent Price use to look up gay Wiccans in his area?
A. WitchGrindr General.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Ghostbusters who?
Ghostbusters who ya gonna call?

Q. In which film is Edward Woodward burned alive in a giant humanoid structure made of chocolate, nougat, caramel and peanuts?
A. The Snickers Man.

Q. Why was the pumpkin embarrassed?
A. His mum walked in on him jacking his lantern.

Q. What do you call a ghost that doesn’t say “Boo”?
A. Shy.

Don’t know what’s so “cool” about dressing as a skeleton for Halloween. Your skeleton wears your dumb flesh and skin as a costume all year round.

Q. What do you call young apprentice executioners?
A. Guilloteens.

Q. How do you quantify the energy content of a candy skull?
A. Kcalavera.

Q. What did Hannibal Lecter have for breakfast?
A. Full English, mid-30s, about 5’10”.

“Um, actually, I think you’ll find garlic has no effect on us, that’s vampires.” – Wolfmansplaining.

Q. Why were AKB48 accused of operating on behalf of Satan?
A. Because the Devil makes work for idol hands.

Q. Who lives in the sewers of Newcastle and preys on the local kids?
A. Penny-wye-aye-se, man.

Q. How do you download a ghost?
A. Through the Apparition Store.

Q. What do you use to conduct a seance in Switzerland?
A. A YesYes Board.


HaHalloween 2: The Revenge

Because anything can happen on HaHalloween

Because anything can happen on HaHalloween

You didn’t ask for it. And yet, it came back! My spooky joke challenge has been resurrected for another year, following last year’s ordeal (and previous Christmas-themed monstrosities). Behold 31 truly terrifying ‘jokes’, ‘quips’, ‘puns’ and non-sequiturs (as originally posted on Twitter) to baffle and bemuse your friends this All Hallows’ Eve, and beyond. Please scare (share) and die screaming (enjoy).

Q. What sprouts a red and white jumper every full moon?
A. A WereWally (or WereWaldo for our North American friends).

Q. Medusa stars in which David Fincher film?
A. Gorgon Girl.

Q. What do satanists buy from the candy store?
A. Beelzebubble gum.

Q. What is Sadako’s favourite potato snack, packaged in an appropriate tube?
A. P-Ring-les.

Q. What is the largest amount of memory that can be stored on a USB stick from Hell?
A. A Cenobyte (CB).

My girlfriend is totally into giallo, she’s my tenebae.

Q. Why did the ghost throw the clock out of the window?
A. Because he wanted to see time fly. Plus he’s a poltergeist. They love throwing things.

Q. How do you inspect a witch for internal maladies?
A. A cauldronoscopy.

Q. Why did the insurance company pay out more for Shrek’s claim?
A. They were ogre-compensating.

Q. What is the wimpiest pasta dish?
A. Fettucinne Afraido.

Q. In which horror film does Mia Farrow give birth to a sheep-herding pig?
A. Rosemary’s Babe.

Q. Where does Satan buy his sweatshirts?
A. Jersey Devil’s.

Q. Who is the spookiest graffiti artist in the world?
A. Ban(k)shee.

Q. Why did the witch call the plumber?
A. Double double toilet trouble.

Actually, Honey was the name of the creator, NOT the Monster.

Q. Which company makes the best soaps in Texas?
A. Imperial Leatherface.

“Waiter, waiter, there’s The Fly in my soup!”
“Err, hi, I’m Jeff uh Goldblum.”

Q. Which ghost always looks like they are shouting when they write an e-mail?

My toothbrush does an amazing impression of the final scene from The Blair Witch Project. [PRESS REVEAL]

Q. Which girl band member only performs with the rest of her group around Autumn time?
A. Pumpkin Spice.

Q. Where do you go to buy the most terrifying costumes for Halloween?
A. Your local scaremonger’s.

Q. In which film is it revealed that Liberace drank the blood of goats?
A. Behind the Chupacabra.

Q. Which classic  ‘Universal Monster’ was kicked out of the club for not being scary enough?
A. The Visible Man.

Q. Why did the Mummy not want to go on the rollercoaster?
A. He didn’t have the stomach. Or the guts. All his organs were in jars.

Q. Where do most UK witches hail from?
A. Coven-try.

Q. What is the most frightening Bond film?
A. James Bond Versus the Spooky Ghost.

Q. Why was the phantom desperate to see the new Mission: Impossible movie?
A. He was a TomPhan.

Q. Why is Zombie Mozart no good at his job?
A. He is decomposing.

Q. What is the best substitute for eyeballs in the ‘Witch’s Body’ game?
A. Sheep eyes probably – just ask your local butcher.

Q. Which cartoon dog investigates Haitian dark magic?
A. Scooby-Voodoo.

Q. Why is Dracula allergic to crucifixes?
A. He’s an atheist.

HaHalloween: A Spooky Joke Challenge


It’s been some time since last I attempted a joke challenge. After two consecutive years of Crap Cracker Jokes (2011 and 2012), I had given another jolly Christmas jokefest a break to allow the world to recover from my incessant punnery. But on 1st October 2014, somewhat on a whim, I thought I’d give it a go again – this time in anticipation of that scariest of holidays, Halloween. The theme of course would be anything spooky or related, but this time round there’d be 31 jokes (or anti-jokes), rather than my previous 24 (a la advent calendar tradition). It was tough going at times, but I think the results speak for themselves (take that any way you wish). You can either check the Twitter hashtag #hahalloween or simply see the full list below. And remember, anything can happen on Halloween!

Q. What’s a zombie’s favourite recipe book?
A. Graze Anatomy

Q. What do witches use to keep their skin wrinkly?
A. Gargoyle of Olay

Q. How do gravediggers cure a sore throat?
A. Coffin syrup

Q. Why did the corpse fail his X-Factor audition?
A. He wasn’t entombed (in tune)!

Q. What do you call a woman with knives for fingers who makes sexual advances on much younger men?
A. Freddie Cougar

Q. Where does Bigfoot buy his shoes?
A. Big Foot Locker

Q. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
A. He decided to stay home and watch THE SKULLS on DVD!

Q. Which of the Golden Girls was born in the Himalayas?
A. Yeti White (I’d also accept Estelle Yeti)

Q. What building grows hair every full moon?
A. The Curseskin (Gherkin)!

Q. Which actor always gets ‘tricked’ on Halloween?
A. Treat Williams

I am looking forward to the Halloween episode of The Walking Dead.

Q. How do you stop the undead from infringing a copyright?
A. Send them a deceased and desist letter

Q. What kind of burger has brown sauce and cheese slices and comes from the nether realm?
A. The H.P. LoveKraft

Q. What CD should you get a ghost for Christmas?
A. Ghouls Holland and his Rhythm and Boos Orchestraaaah!

Q. Who is the Archbishop of Transylvania?
A. Desmond Nosferatutu

Q. In which Muppets movie is Fozzie Bear burned alive by pagans?
A. The Wocka Wocka Man

Oh no, @BrainAppeal – don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to, you bunch of zombies!

Q. What is a SKELETON’s favourite Winter Olympics sport?
A. Scary curling!

I’ll never be able to play with my haunted Monopoly set – I don’t have a ghost of a Chance.

Q. Why did Jack the Ripper not kill any men?
A. He would have got the willies

Q. Which famous horror comic also had a fiendishly difficult puzzle section?
A. Tales from the Cryptic Crossword Keeper

It’s Frankenstein’s Monster, not Frankenstein’s MANster. #adamandeve #notadamandsteve

How to insult a mad scientist: tell them they couldn’t even organise a monster mash in their lab, late one night.

Q. Which Greek restaurant in Austin uses power tools in its kitchen?
A. The Texas Chain Saw Moussaka

Q. What did the police do when they found the dead Jack O’Lantern?
A. Inform his next of pumpkin

Q. Which soul singer was also a famed vampire hunter?
A. Luther Van Helsing

Q. What should you never give a child when they come round trick or treating?
A. Your number

Q. Which football team raised an army of the dead for its players?
A. Necromanchester United

Q. What’s the name of Dracula’s party boat?
A. Salem’s Yacht

Q. What is the sexiest Halloween costume?
A. The Phantom of the Opera, but topless

Q. Why does the Grim Reaper not like being told jokes?
A. He’s afraid his scythes might split

Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge 2: Lost in New York

In spite of popular demand, The Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge is back! As last year, I posted a new festive-themed #crackerjoke a day on my Twitter feed, with variable success – everything from tumbleweeds to ticker tape parades. But for the benefit of everyone, here are all 24 compiled in one handy groan-inducing mega-post. So dial 99, and get ready to press that final 9 in case your sides split (from laughing, that is!).

I’ve got my Dad a watch for Christmas. There’s no present like the time.

Q. Where does tinsel come from?
A. Hollywood.

I don’t get why the guy looking at those three ships on Christmas Day thought they were such an eyesore. Boats are lovely.

Q. Which play depicts a famous TV interview with one of Santa’s reindeer?
A. (Jack) Frost / Vixen

Q. How does Christopher Biggins avoid getting scurvy?
A. Pantolimes.

I used to look forward to parsnips at Christmas lunch, but then Ma told him he had to keep his shirt on.

Q. Which broadcaster moonlights as one of Santa’s helpers and boasts of his toy-making abilities?
A. Elven Bragg.

I loved my Christmas tree so much last year, I’m pining for it now.

Q. Which Ancient Egyptian figure visited the newborn baby Jesus?
A. Nefertivity.

Christmas pudding makes me horny; must be all that randy butter.

Q. How did Christmas Eve come about?
A. Christmas Adam’s rib.

Q. How do blind homosexuals read about the Annunciation in the Bible?
A. Gay-braille.

Q. What does Nina Simone sing when preparing mulled wine?
A. “Oh Cinnamon, where you gonna run to?”

Q. Which bestseller exposes the socio-financial impact and backroom dealings behind the gifts presented to Jesus?
A. Threekingnomics.

Q. Did you hear Santa has a new fragrance out for Christmas?
A. It’s Scent Nick (Pour Homme).

Q. What do Australians hang on their door to stop people entering at Christmas time?
A. A Great Barrier Wreath.

Q. Which artist is always Christmas Number One on the Starship Enterprise?
A. William Riker, with “Snowfrakes”

Q. What treatment did Mary undertake to conceive Jesus?
A. The Holly and the IVF.

Q. What’s in Joan Rivers’ diary the day after Christmas?
A. Botoxing Day.

Q. What do you call a dinosaur that only feasts on people called Stephen?
A. Wenceslasaurus Rex

Q. What cut of dress or robe was the fashion of the time where Jesus was born?
A. The Bethle-Hem.

Q. What makes snow white?
A. Catchy songs, comedy dwarfs and a great villain!

We were going to stuff the turkey this Christmas, but thought it’d be quicker and easier if we just bury it.

Q. Why does Father Christmas put a lump of coal in children’s stockings?
A. Dementia. 😦

The 2011 Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge

Image from Treat Studios' E4 Xmas Idents

At the start of the month, I set myself a Twitter challenge (and you should follow me if you missed it): come up with a brand new festive-themed joke every day until Christmas in a sort of marriage twixt Advent Calendar and Cracker Joke. The Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge (or ACCCCJC for short) didn’t exactly set the world alight (no thanks to the surprisingly underused #crackerjoke hashtag), but, for posterity and to feed my own rampant mulled wine-fuelled ego, I present to you now all 24 of them for you to share amongst (or bore witless) family and friends across the entire Holiday Season…AND BEYOND!

You may note that as time went on, the punchlines became more strained, and the subject matter more questionable, but still I pressed on. In any case, I tried to pitch them somewhere amongst the traditonal cracker jokes of yore, the made-up jokes submitted to the Adam and Joe Show on 6 Music of today (and somewhat inspired by the cracker jokes featured in The Adam and Joe Book), and the Digitiser Man Daddy jokes of in between those two time periods, plus a few Peter Serafinowicz Twitter Q+A / Look Around You Databank pieces of faux-trivia.

Here they are, 24 slices of fried Christmas comedy gold!

Q. What does Santa eat for breakfast?
A. Grott-o’s!

Did you hear Christopher Nolan is directing a version of the Nativity?
A. Immaculate Inception: in which Leo DiCaprio leads a team of angels into Mary’s womb to implant the Son of God.

Q. What was stuck on the bottom of Santa’s boot?
A. Bauble-gum!

Q. Who did the third wise man bring along to the birth of Christ?
A. His Myrrh-maid.

Q. What should one serve after Christmas dinner?
A. After-dinner (New Testa-)mints!

Q. How can you spot a Snow Communist?
A. From his (hammer and) ice-sickle!
Bonus Answer: From his Marx in the snow.
Addendum: Snow Communist = Snowviet.

Q. How does Father Christmas monitor the fluctuations in the naughtiness and niceness of the world’s children?
A. Through the Stock-ing Exchange.

Q. Why did the drug-abusing Christmas tree visit the NHS walk-in centre?
A. To drop off its needles. #sayHOtodrugs

Q. What does the Duke of Edinburgh have for breakfast on Christmas Day?
A. The Queen’s Peach!

Q. Why did the snowman blush?
A. He had (sun blushed) tomatoes for cheeks! Also, he saw a naked Lady Snowman.

Q. Where is the best place in the world to eat Christmas Dinner?
A. Torquay (minus a million Christmas points if you answered Turkey)

Q. What is the most watched Christmas broadcast of all time?
A. The 1973 Morecambe and Wise Moon Landing.

When I was little, I was cast as the donkey in the school Nativity play, but then again, I was always making an ass of myself.

Q. What does Santa use to fuel his sleigh when the reindeer are resting?
A. Elf-anol!

Q. Why do Americans hang popcorn from their Christmas tree?
A. As punishment for being unfaithful to Mom Corn.

Q. What do you call someone who thinks Santa bringing gifts to kids is a cultural high water mark?
A. A stocking filler-stine.

Q. How did Penfold locate the Baby Jesus?
A. With a Manger Douse(-ing Rod)!

Q. Why is Rudolph’s nose so red?
A. Years of substance abuse. 😦

Q. What did Batman receive on New Year’s Day?
A. A Dark Knighthood – that’s SIR Batman to you!

Q. What injury did the WWI Christmas Day football players sustain on the Somme?
A. Missile-toe (kinda like trench foot, but festive).

Q. What does Sadako like to sing when she goes carolling?
A. “Nooo weeeellll, Nooo well!”

Q. What did the Trebor undercover agents eat while engaged in industrial espionage at the Polo factory Christmas party?
A. Mint spies.

Q. What is the grammatical term to describe being nervous that someone likes what you got them for Christmas?
A. Present tense.

Q. How many Father Christmases does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Zero – he doesn’t exist, kids. 😦