The 2016 Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge

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2016 has widely been considered the worst year ever. In order to help or hinder this trend (depending on your perspective), and having been FOUR YEARS since my last endeavour (not counting two Hallowe’en interludes), this December saw the return of my CRAP CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES.

On Twitter, I tweeted an original (at least, not intentionally plagarised, though it’d be pretty obvious if anyone were to attempt to lift most of these from me) made-up Christmas-themed joke. It was like an Advent Calendar, except even more disappointing. Here for your amusement/bemusement I have compiled the whole lot for you to entertain/mortify your nearest and dearest this HOLIDAY SEASON.

Q. How did the Spanish wise man find his way to Baby Jesus?
A. Sat-Navidad.

Q. How does Rudolph find casual hook-ups on his phone?
A. Reindr.

Q. Why does James Bond insist he is on telly every Christmas?
A. Because otherwise he’d threaten to use his TV licence to kill.

How hard can it be to put on a meticulously choreographed Christmas dance spectacular in New York? It’s not Rockette science.

Q. Which streaming service only plays Christmas songs?
A. Yuletidal.

Q. How do you turn a Polar Bear into a Grizzly Bear?
A. Drink Pepsi.

Q. How are Christmas trees officially ranked?
A. They are deco-rated.

Q. How does Donald Trump greet a pantomime dame?
A. He grabs them by the Puss-in-Boots.

Q. When does the song “Santa Baby” take place?
A. On the Thirst Day of Christmas.

Q. Which Babylonian king hates Christmas?
A. Nebuchadnezzar Scrooge.

Q. In which Christmas film does Bruce Willis play a wisecracking cop who can also emit light?
A. Diode.

Q. What do you use to drain vegetables for Christmas dinner?
A. An advent colander.

Q. Why did British and German soldiers play football together on Christmas Day 1914?
A. Their volleyball had a puncture.

Q. How come Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
A. Well, otherwise what kind of father would he be? #spoilers

Q. How do you remember which of Santa’s reindeer is which?
A. Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, red nose.

Midge Ure: What do you call a blind dinosaur this time of year?
Bob Geldof: Do-they-know-it’s-Christmas-time-saurus?!
Bono: LOL

Q. In which film does Freddy Kringle appear?
A. A Nightmare on 34th Street.

Q. Why did Tupac refuse to sing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”?
A. He didn’t like Biggie pudding.

Q. Which film often watched at Christmas is also a fish dish, served with fruit from which wine is made?
A. The Grapey Skate.

Q. How do you make yellow snow?
A. It’s not possible, because it’s a primary colour.

Q. Who lives under your Christmas tree but doesn’t speak?
A. Parcel Marceau.

Q. What do people who drink Budweiser say when they go carol singing?
A. WASSAIL?!

Q. Who delivers to Father Christmas what goes in naughty kids’ stockings and by what mode of transport?
A. Robbie, coal, train.
(Actual Cracker joke)

Q. Why is it customary to leave a glass of milk for Santa?
A. You ever tried reindeer milk?

That’s you lot for 2016, but if you are desperate for more (emphasis on the word desperate), you can find here my offerings from 2011 and 2012.

Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge 2: Lost in New York

In spite of popular demand, The Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge is back! As last year, I posted a new festive-themed #crackerjoke a day on my Twitter feed, with variable success – everything from tumbleweeds to ticker tape parades. But for the benefit of everyone, here are all 24 compiled in one handy groan-inducing mega-post. So dial 99, and get ready to press that final 9 in case your sides split (from laughing, that is!).

I’ve got my Dad a watch for Christmas. There’s no present like the time.

Q. Where does tinsel come from?
A. Hollywood.

I don’t get why the guy looking at those three ships on Christmas Day thought they were such an eyesore. Boats are lovely.

Q. Which play depicts a famous TV interview with one of Santa’s reindeer?
A. (Jack) Frost / Vixen

Q. How does Christopher Biggins avoid getting scurvy?
A. Pantolimes.

I used to look forward to parsnips at Christmas lunch, but then Ma told him he had to keep his shirt on.

Q. Which broadcaster moonlights as one of Santa’s helpers and boasts of his toy-making abilities?
A. Elven Bragg.

I loved my Christmas tree so much last year, I’m pining for it now.

Q. Which Ancient Egyptian figure visited the newborn baby Jesus?
A. Nefertivity.

Christmas pudding makes me horny; must be all that randy butter.

Q. How did Christmas Eve come about?
A. Christmas Adam’s rib.

Q. How do blind homosexuals read about the Annunciation in the Bible?
A. Gay-braille.

Q. What does Nina Simone sing when preparing mulled wine?
A. “Oh Cinnamon, where you gonna run to?”

Q. Which bestseller exposes the socio-financial impact and backroom dealings behind the gifts presented to Jesus?
A. Threekingnomics.

Q. Did you hear Santa has a new fragrance out for Christmas?
A. It’s Scent Nick (Pour Homme).

Q. What do Australians hang on their door to stop people entering at Christmas time?
A. A Great Barrier Wreath.

Q. Which artist is always Christmas Number One on the Starship Enterprise?
A. William Riker, with “Snowfrakes”

Q. What treatment did Mary undertake to conceive Jesus?
A. The Holly and the IVF.

Q. What’s in Joan Rivers’ diary the day after Christmas?
A. Botoxing Day.

Q. What do you call a dinosaur that only feasts on people called Stephen?
A. Wenceslasaurus Rex

Q. What cut of dress or robe was the fashion of the time where Jesus was born?
A. The Bethle-Hem.

Q. What makes snow white?
A. Catchy songs, comedy dwarfs and a great villain!

We were going to stuff the turkey this Christmas, but thought it’d be quicker and easier if we just bury it.

Q. Why does Father Christmas put a lump of coal in children’s stockings?
A. Dementia. 😦