The 2016 Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge


2016 has widely been considered the worst year ever. In order to help or hinder this trend (depending on your perspective), and having been FOUR YEARS since my last endeavour (not counting two Hallowe’en interludes), this December saw the return of my CRAP CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES.

On Twitter, I tweeted an original (at least, not intentionally plagarised, though it’d be pretty obvious if anyone were to attempt to lift most of these from me) made-up Christmas-themed joke. It was like an Advent Calendar, except even more disappointing. Here for your amusement/bemusement I have compiled the whole lot for you to entertain/mortify your nearest and dearest this HOLIDAY SEASON.

Q. How did the Spanish wise man find his way to Baby Jesus?
A. Sat-Navidad.

Q. How does Rudolph find casual hook-ups on his phone?
A. Reindr.

Q. Why does James Bond insist he is on telly every Christmas?
A. Because otherwise he’d threaten to use his TV licence to kill.

How hard can it be to put on a meticulously choreographed Christmas dance spectacular in New York? It’s not Rockette science.

Q. Which streaming service only plays Christmas songs?
A. Yuletidal.

Q. How do you turn a Polar Bear into a Grizzly Bear?
A. Drink Pepsi.

Q. How are Christmas trees officially ranked?
A. They are deco-rated.

Q. How does Donald Trump greet a pantomime dame?
A. He grabs them by the Puss-in-Boots.

Q. When does the song “Santa Baby” take place?
A. On the Thirst Day of Christmas.

Q. Which Babylonian king hates Christmas?
A. Nebuchadnezzar Scrooge.

Q. In which Christmas film does Bruce Willis play a wisecracking cop who can also emit light?
A. Diode.

Q. What do you use to drain vegetables for Christmas dinner?
A. An advent colander.

Q. Why did British and German soldiers play football together on Christmas Day 1914?
A. Their volleyball had a puncture.

Q. How come Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
A. Well, otherwise what kind of father would he be? #spoilers

Q. How do you remember which of Santa’s reindeer is which?
A. Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, red nose.

Midge Ure: What do you call a blind dinosaur this time of year?
Bob Geldof: Do-they-know-it’s-Christmas-time-saurus?!
Bono: LOL

Q. In which film does Freddy Kringle appear?
A. A Nightmare on 34th Street.

Q. Why did Tupac refuse to sing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”?
A. He didn’t like Biggie pudding.

Q. Which film often watched at Christmas is also a fish dish, served with fruit from which wine is made?
A. The Grapey Skate.

Q. How do you make yellow snow?
A. It’s not possible, because it’s a primary colour.

Q. Who lives under your Christmas tree but doesn’t speak?
A. Parcel Marceau.

Q. What do people who drink Budweiser say when they go carol singing?

Q. Who delivers to Father Christmas what goes in naughty kids’ stockings and by what mode of transport?
A. Robbie, coal, train.
(Actual Cracker joke)

Q. Why is it customary to leave a glass of milk for Santa?
A. You ever tried reindeer milk?

That’s you lot for 2016, but if you are desperate for more (emphasis on the word desperate), you can find here my offerings from 2011 and 2012.

Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge 2: Lost in New York

In spite of popular demand, The Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge is back! As last year, I posted a new festive-themed #crackerjoke a day on my Twitter feed, with variable success – everything from tumbleweeds to ticker tape parades. But for the benefit of everyone, here are all 24 compiled in one handy groan-inducing mega-post. So dial 99, and get ready to press that final 9 in case your sides split (from laughing, that is!).

I’ve got my Dad a watch for Christmas. There’s no present like the time.

Q. Where does tinsel come from?
A. Hollywood.

I don’t get why the guy looking at those three ships on Christmas Day thought they were such an eyesore. Boats are lovely.

Q. Which play depicts a famous TV interview with one of Santa’s reindeer?
A. (Jack) Frost / Vixen

Q. How does Christopher Biggins avoid getting scurvy?
A. Pantolimes.

I used to look forward to parsnips at Christmas lunch, but then Ma told him he had to keep his shirt on.

Q. Which broadcaster moonlights as one of Santa’s helpers and boasts of his toy-making abilities?
A. Elven Bragg.

I loved my Christmas tree so much last year, I’m pining for it now.

Q. Which Ancient Egyptian figure visited the newborn baby Jesus?
A. Nefertivity.

Christmas pudding makes me horny; must be all that randy butter.

Q. How did Christmas Eve come about?
A. Christmas Adam’s rib.

Q. How do blind homosexuals read about the Annunciation in the Bible?
A. Gay-braille.

Q. What does Nina Simone sing when preparing mulled wine?
A. “Oh Cinnamon, where you gonna run to?”

Q. Which bestseller exposes the socio-financial impact and backroom dealings behind the gifts presented to Jesus?
A. Threekingnomics.

Q. Did you hear Santa has a new fragrance out for Christmas?
A. It’s Scent Nick (Pour Homme).

Q. What do Australians hang on their door to stop people entering at Christmas time?
A. A Great Barrier Wreath.

Q. Which artist is always Christmas Number One on the Starship Enterprise?
A. William Riker, with “Snowfrakes”

Q. What treatment did Mary undertake to conceive Jesus?
A. The Holly and the IVF.

Q. What’s in Joan Rivers’ diary the day after Christmas?
A. Botoxing Day.

Q. What do you call a dinosaur that only feasts on people called Stephen?
A. Wenceslasaurus Rex

Q. What cut of dress or robe was the fashion of the time where Jesus was born?
A. The Bethle-Hem.

Q. What makes snow white?
A. Catchy songs, comedy dwarfs and a great villain!

We were going to stuff the turkey this Christmas, but thought it’d be quicker and easier if we just bury it.

Q. Why does Father Christmas put a lump of coal in children’s stockings?
A. Dementia. 😦

Tokyo Soundscape Episode 21

Tokyo Soundscape

Apologies for bunching up all these playlists and shows, but actual proper articles forthcoming over the Christmas/New Year period are coming (including the culmination of the 2012 Cracker Joke challenger, a feature on product placement, and my top films, albums and soundtracks of the year). But first, to kick off the festive mood, a Tokyo Soundscape Christmas Special! Well, half a Christmas Special, the rest is a collection of tracks new and old, odds and ends, but all jolly good fun. More Soundscape next year no doubt, but until then, メリクリ!

  1. Cubismo Grafico – Candy Favourite Shoes
  2. Shugo Tokumaru – Parachute
  3. Ken Kobayashi – Orange Boxes
  4. Hifana (feat. Kotobuki) – Uchi-Nan-Champroo
  5. Yellow Magic Orchestra – Radio Junk (live at The Bottom Line, New York on 6th November 1979)
  6. INU -気い狂て
  7. Shonen Knife – Sweet Christmas
  8. Judy And Mary – クリスマス
  9. World’s End Girlfriend – Jaichel Mackson
  10. Pizzicato Five – 12月24日
  11. Kick the Can Crew – クリスマス・イブ Rap

The 2011 Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge

Image from Treat Studios' E4 Xmas Idents

At the start of the month, I set myself a Twitter challenge (and you should follow me if you missed it): come up with a brand new festive-themed joke every day until Christmas in a sort of marriage twixt Advent Calendar and Cracker Joke. The Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge (or ACCCCJC for short) didn’t exactly set the world alight (no thanks to the surprisingly underused #crackerjoke hashtag), but, for posterity and to feed my own rampant mulled wine-fuelled ego, I present to you now all 24 of them for you to share amongst (or bore witless) family and friends across the entire Holiday Season…AND BEYOND!

You may note that as time went on, the punchlines became more strained, and the subject matter more questionable, but still I pressed on. In any case, I tried to pitch them somewhere amongst the traditonal cracker jokes of yore, the made-up jokes submitted to the Adam and Joe Show on 6 Music of today (and somewhat inspired by the cracker jokes featured in The Adam and Joe Book), and the Digitiser Man Daddy jokes of in between those two time periods, plus a few Peter Serafinowicz Twitter Q+A / Look Around You Databank pieces of faux-trivia.

Here they are, 24 slices of fried Christmas comedy gold!

Q. What does Santa eat for breakfast?
A. Grott-o’s!

Did you hear Christopher Nolan is directing a version of the Nativity?
A. Immaculate Inception: in which Leo DiCaprio leads a team of angels into Mary’s womb to implant the Son of God.

Q. What was stuck on the bottom of Santa’s boot?
A. Bauble-gum!

Q. Who did the third wise man bring along to the birth of Christ?
A. His Myrrh-maid.

Q. What should one serve after Christmas dinner?
A. After-dinner (New Testa-)mints!

Q. How can you spot a Snow Communist?
A. From his (hammer and) ice-sickle!
Bonus Answer: From his Marx in the snow.
Addendum: Snow Communist = Snowviet.

Q. How does Father Christmas monitor the fluctuations in the naughtiness and niceness of the world’s children?
A. Through the Stock-ing Exchange.

Q. Why did the drug-abusing Christmas tree visit the NHS walk-in centre?
A. To drop off its needles. #sayHOtodrugs

Q. What does the Duke of Edinburgh have for breakfast on Christmas Day?
A. The Queen’s Peach!

Q. Why did the snowman blush?
A. He had (sun blushed) tomatoes for cheeks! Also, he saw a naked Lady Snowman.

Q. Where is the best place in the world to eat Christmas Dinner?
A. Torquay (minus a million Christmas points if you answered Turkey)

Q. What is the most watched Christmas broadcast of all time?
A. The 1973 Morecambe and Wise Moon Landing.

When I was little, I was cast as the donkey in the school Nativity play, but then again, I was always making an ass of myself.

Q. What does Santa use to fuel his sleigh when the reindeer are resting?
A. Elf-anol!

Q. Why do Americans hang popcorn from their Christmas tree?
A. As punishment for being unfaithful to Mom Corn.

Q. What do you call someone who thinks Santa bringing gifts to kids is a cultural high water mark?
A. A stocking filler-stine.

Q. How did Penfold locate the Baby Jesus?
A. With a Manger Douse(-ing Rod)!

Q. Why is Rudolph’s nose so red?
A. Years of substance abuse. 😦

Q. What did Batman receive on New Year’s Day?
A. A Dark Knighthood – that’s SIR Batman to you!

Q. What injury did the WWI Christmas Day football players sustain on the Somme?
A. Missile-toe (kinda like trench foot, but festive).

Q. What does Sadako like to sing when she goes carolling?
A. “Nooo weeeellll, Nooo well!”

Q. What did the Trebor undercover agents eat while engaged in industrial espionage at the Polo factory Christmas party?
A. Mint spies.

Q. What is the grammatical term to describe being nervous that someone likes what you got them for Christmas?
A. Present tense.

Q. How many Father Christmases does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Zero – he doesn’t exist, kids. 😦

A Classic Internet Comedy Christmas

The WWW (or World Wide Web, in case you needed ‘splaining) has been around for so long now, believe it or not there are even children today, YES CHILDREN, unaware of a time before electronic mails, messageboards, and dial-up tones. Show them the Angelina Jolie/Fisher Stevens mega-smash Hackers, and the characters might as well be riding around from LAN party to LAN party on penny-farthings for all they care.

Now, the “kidz” of today get their Christmas comedy kicks not from the likes of bona fide TV gold such as Knowing Me Knowing Yule with Alan Partridge, and the Bottom, Father Ted and League of Gentlemen Christmas specials, but from YouTube, College Humor and Funny or Die. However, just as we return to those television classics time and time again, so too do I find myself watching this trio of gems from the internet archive during the “holiday” “season” as well.

Nick’s Winter Wonderland (2006)

Having previously wowed us with his Girls Costume Warehouse commercial, salty New Joisey discount emporium magnate Nick branches out into the world of Christmas paraphernalia in this faux advert from College Humor. The phrase “limp dick” has never been delivered with so much disdain. Nick would later return in their series Street Fighter: The Later Years, made a return in the SF series as who else but Guile. Certainly did a better job of the character than Jean-Claude Van Damme.

The Christmas Tree (2006)

John Roberts is the character comedian behind the amazing Jackie and Debra (which remains to this day perhaps one of the greatest comedy shorts of the century), but his most successful character, Mom, came from this original video, about one woman’s obsession over her Christmas tree (which, in a stroke of genius, we never actually see). A masterclass performance in establishing a believable and hilarious personality in less than 2 minutes. Perfect.

KrisMiss™ (2010)

The fake infomercial is an obvious and well-worn comedy set-up but when it comes from Astron-6,  it’s best to sit up and take notice. Though their output is primarily at the grindhouse/80’s DTV-nostalgia end of the spectrum, they are one of the few to get the aesthetic spot-on, while also being funny/disturbing at the same time. Now branching off into features and working with the Troma label, this is a departure from their usual work, but still with their trademark attention to detail and dark comic streak.

And to leave you with something bang up to date, here’s a wonderful extra Christmas message for 2011 from the gleefully warped mind of Cyriak. Enjoy!