2016 has widely been considered the worst year ever. In order to help or hinder this trend (depending on your perspective), and having been FOUR YEARS since my last endeavour (not counting two Hallowe’en interludes), this December saw the return of my CRAP CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES.
On Twitter, I tweeted an original (at least, not intentionally plagarised, though it’d be pretty obvious if anyone were to attempt to lift most of these from me) made-up Christmas-themed joke. It was like an Advent Calendar, except even more disappointing. Here for your amusement/bemusement I have compiled the whole lot for you to entertain/mortify your nearest and dearest this HOLIDAY SEASON.
Q. How did the Spanish wise man find his way to Baby Jesus?
Q. How does Rudolph find casual hook-ups on his phone?
Q. Why does James Bond insist he is on telly every Christmas?
A. Because otherwise he’d threaten to use his TV licence to kill.
How hard can it be to put on a meticulously choreographed Christmas dance spectacular in New York? It’s not Rockette science.
Q. Which streaming service only plays Christmas songs?
Q. How do you turn a Polar Bear into a Grizzly Bear?
A. Drink Pepsi.
Q. How are Christmas trees officially ranked?
A. They are deco-rated.
Q. How does Donald Trump greet a pantomime dame?
A. He grabs them by the Puss-in-Boots.
Q. When does the song “Santa Baby” take place?
A. On the Thirst Day of Christmas.
Q. Which Babylonian king hates Christmas?
A. Nebuchadnezzar Scrooge.
Q. In which Christmas film does Bruce Willis play a wisecracking cop who can also emit light?
Q. What do you use to drain vegetables for Christmas dinner?
A. An advent colander.
Q. Why did British and German soldiers play football together on Christmas Day 1914?
A. Their volleyball had a puncture.
Q. How come Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
A. Well, otherwise what kind of father would he be? #spoilers
Q. How do you remember which of Santa’s reindeer is which?
A. Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, red nose.
Midge Ure: What do you call a blind dinosaur this time of year?
Bob Geldof: Do-they-know-it’s-Christmas-time-saurus?!
Q. In which film does Freddy Kringle appear?
A. A Nightmare on 34th Street.
Q. Why did Tupac refuse to sing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”?
A. He didn’t like Biggie pudding.
Q. Which film often watched at Christmas is also a fish dish, served with fruit from which wine is made?
A. The Grapey Skate.
Q. How do you make yellow snow?
A. It’s not possible, because it’s a primary colour.
Q. Who lives under your Christmas tree but doesn’t speak?
A. Parcel Marceau.
Q. What do people who drink Budweiser say when they go carol singing?
Q. Who delivers to Father Christmas what goes in naughty kids’ stockings and by what mode of transport?
A. Robbie, coal, train.
(Actual Cracker joke)
Q. Why is it customary to leave a glass of milk for Santa?
A. You ever tried reindeer milk?