HaHalloween III: The Final Chapter

“I never tied people up and forced them to read my HaHalloween jokes, and I could’ve ’cause I’m a big guy and I’m good with knots.”

So, it was not my plan to embark on another HaHalloween episode. The barrel had been scraped, the well had run dry…or so we had thought (to be honest, many considered the barrels and wells empty to begin with). And yet, I coudn’t help myself once the puns began to flow. So another thirty-one hallowed days have passed, another thirty-one jokes, quips, and memery flung agains the Twitter wall in the hope anything would stick. Feast yourselves on HaHalloween III: The Final Chapter. Final, you say? Perhaps. Or perhaps more in the fashion of horror movie sequels. With every final chapter, comes a resurrection, reboot or remake…

Q. What’s a dungeon keeper’s favourite song?
A. Chained Melody.

Q. Why was the squire afraid of jousting lances?
A. Because he didn’t like things that go bumping the knight.

Q. How did the Headless Horseman appear to people when he wasn’t really there?
A. He was a Sleepy Hollowgram.

Q. How do you keep screams fresh?
A. Shriek wrap.

Q. Why do people see fewer ghosts nowadays?
A. Because fitted bedsheets are now more commonplace.

FRED

Q. On what audio format is it best to record the eulogy at a funeral?
A. Caskette tape.

Q. Which food critic compiled a guide book of Britain’s best brains?
A. Igor Ronay.

Q. Which is the Blair Witch’s favourite Mercury Prize-winning album?
A. Boy In Da Corner.

My Halloween pumpkin this year is fine, but it can’t hold a candle to last year’s.

Kid: I see dead people.
Bruce Willis: That’s not a sixth sense! Sight is one of the five normal senses, you dummy! Why I am even here?
Kid: …

Q. What do hangmen toast over a bonfire?
A. MarshGallows.

Q. What does Jason Voorhees like to do most today (Friday the 13th) of all days?
A. Hurt teens (Thirteenth).

Q. Which team of mutants led by the Antichrist fought against their more famous rivals in a game of Noughts & Crosses?
A. The O-Men.

Q. What does Batman wear on Halloween?
A. A Bruce Wayne mask.

Q. What is the subtitle of Mary Shelley 2.0’s classic internet novel, “Frankenstein.com”?
A. The Modem Prometheus.

Q. What’s it called when you’re a werewolf but the girl you’re into would rather date a vampire?
A. Getting TwilightZoned.

Q. What does Vincent Price use to look up gay Wiccans in his area?
A. WitchGrindr General.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Ghostbusters.
Ghostbusters who?
Ghostbusters who ya gonna call?
Ghostbusters!
Louder!
Ghostbusters!

Q. In which film is Edward Woodward burned alive in a giant humanoid structure made of chocolate, nougat, caramel and peanuts?
A. The Snickers Man.

Q. Why was the pumpkin embarrassed?
A. His mum walked in on him jacking his lantern.

Q. What do you call a ghost that doesn’t say “Boo”?
A. Shy.

Don’t know what’s so “cool” about dressing as a skeleton for Halloween. Your skeleton wears your dumb flesh and skin as a costume all year round.

Q. What do you call young apprentice executioners?
A. Guilloteens.

Q. How do you quantify the energy content of a candy skull?
A. Kcalavera.

Q. What did Hannibal Lecter have for breakfast?
A. Full English, mid-30s, about 5’10”.

“Um, actually, I think you’ll find garlic has no effect on us, that’s vampires.” – Wolfmansplaining.

Q. Why were AKB48 accused of operating on behalf of Satan?
A. Because the Devil makes work for idol hands.

Q. Who lives in the sewers of Newcastle and preys on the local kids?
A. Penny-wye-aye-se, man.

Q. How do you download a ghost?
A. Through the Apparition Store.

Q. What do you use to conduct a seance in Switzerland?
A. A YesYes Board.

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The 2016 Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge

bingcracker

2016 has widely been considered the worst year ever. In order to help or hinder this trend (depending on your perspective), and having been FOUR YEARS since my last endeavour (not counting two Hallowe’en interludes), this December saw the return of my CRAP CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES.

On Twitter, I tweeted an original (at least, not intentionally plagarised, though it’d be pretty obvious if anyone were to attempt to lift most of these from me) made-up Christmas-themed joke. It was like an Advent Calendar, except even more disappointing. Here for your amusement/bemusement I have compiled the whole lot for you to entertain/mortify your nearest and dearest this HOLIDAY SEASON.

Q. How did the Spanish wise man find his way to Baby Jesus?
A. Sat-Navidad.

Q. How does Rudolph find casual hook-ups on his phone?
A. Reindr.

Q. Why does James Bond insist he is on telly every Christmas?
A. Because otherwise he’d threaten to use his TV licence to kill.

How hard can it be to put on a meticulously choreographed Christmas dance spectacular in New York? It’s not Rockette science.

Q. Which streaming service only plays Christmas songs?
A. Yuletidal.

Q. How do you turn a Polar Bear into a Grizzly Bear?
A. Drink Pepsi.

Q. How are Christmas trees officially ranked?
A. They are deco-rated.

Q. How does Donald Trump greet a pantomime dame?
A. He grabs them by the Puss-in-Boots.

Q. When does the song “Santa Baby” take place?
A. On the Thirst Day of Christmas.

Q. Which Babylonian king hates Christmas?
A. Nebuchadnezzar Scrooge.

Q. In which Christmas film does Bruce Willis play a wisecracking cop who can also emit light?
A. Diode.

Q. What do you use to drain vegetables for Christmas dinner?
A. An advent colander.

Q. Why did British and German soldiers play football together on Christmas Day 1914?
A. Their volleyball had a puncture.

Q. How come Darth Vader knew what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
A. Well, otherwise what kind of father would he be? #spoilers

Q. How do you remember which of Santa’s reindeer is which?
A. Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, red nose.

Midge Ure: What do you call a blind dinosaur this time of year?
Bob Geldof: Do-they-know-it’s-Christmas-time-saurus?!
Bono: LOL

Q. In which film does Freddy Kringle appear?
A. A Nightmare on 34th Street.

Q. Why did Tupac refuse to sing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”?
A. He didn’t like Biggie pudding.

Q. Which film often watched at Christmas is also a fish dish, served with fruit from which wine is made?
A. The Grapey Skate.

Q. How do you make yellow snow?
A. It’s not possible, because it’s a primary colour.

Q. Who lives under your Christmas tree but doesn’t speak?
A. Parcel Marceau.

Q. What do people who drink Budweiser say when they go carol singing?
A. WASSAIL?!

Q. Who delivers to Father Christmas what goes in naughty kids’ stockings and by what mode of transport?
A. Robbie, coal, train.
(Actual Cracker joke)

Q. Why is it customary to leave a glass of milk for Santa?
A. You ever tried reindeer milk?

That’s you lot for 2016, but if you are desperate for more (emphasis on the word desperate), you can find here my offerings from 2011 and 2012.