You didn’t ask for it. And yet, it came back! My spooky joke challenge has been resurrected for another year, following last year’s ordeal (and previous Christmas-themed monstrosities). Behold 31 truly terrifying ‘jokes’, ‘quips’, ‘puns’ and non-sequiturs (as originally posted on Twitter) to baffle and bemuse your friends this All Hallows’ Eve, and beyond. Please scare (share) and die screaming (enjoy).
Q. What sprouts a red and white jumper every full moon?
A. A WereWally (or WereWaldo for our North American friends).
Q. Medusa stars in which David Fincher film?
A. Gorgon Girl.
Q. What do satanists buy from the candy store?
A. Beelzebubble gum.
Q. What is Sadako’s favourite potato snack, packaged in an appropriate tube?
Q. What is the largest amount of memory that can be stored on a USB stick from Hell?
A. A Cenobyte (CB).
My girlfriend is totally into giallo, she’s my tenebae.
Q. Why did the ghost throw the clock out of the window?
A. Because he wanted to see time fly. Plus he’s a poltergeist. They love throwing things.
Q. How do you inspect a witch for internal maladies?
A. A cauldronoscopy.
Q. Why did the insurance company pay out more for Shrek’s claim?
A. They were ogre-compensating.
Q. What is the wimpiest pasta dish?
A. Fettucinne Afraido.
Q. In which horror film does Mia Farrow give birth to a sheep-herding pig?
A. Rosemary’s Babe.
Q. Where does Satan buy his sweatshirts?
A. Jersey Devil’s.
Q. Who is the spookiest graffiti artist in the world?
Q. Why did the witch call the plumber?
A. Double double toilet trouble.
Actually, Honey was the name of the creator, NOT the Monster.
Q. Which company makes the best soaps in Texas?
A. Imperial Leatherface.
“Waiter, waiter, there’s The Fly in my soup!”
“Err, hi, I’m Jeff uh Goldblum.”
Q. Which ghost always looks like they are shouting when they write an e-mail?
A. CAPSLOCK THE FRIENDLY GHOST.
My toothbrush does an amazing impression of the final scene from The Blair Witch Project. [PRESS REVEAL]
Q. Which girl band member only performs with the rest of her group around Autumn time?
A. Pumpkin Spice.
Q. Where do you go to buy the most terrifying costumes for Halloween?
A. Your local scaremonger’s.
Q. In which film is it revealed that Liberace drank the blood of goats?
A. Behind the Chupacabra.
Q. Which classic ‘Universal Monster’ was kicked out of the club for not being scary enough?
A. The Visible Man.
Q. Why did the Mummy not want to go on the rollercoaster?
A. He didn’t have the stomach. Or the guts. All his organs were in jars.
Q. Where do most UK witches hail from?
Q. What is the most frightening Bond film?
A. James Bond Versus the Spooky Ghost.
Q. Why was the phantom desperate to see the new Mission: Impossible movie?
A. He was a TomPhan.
Q. Why is Zombie Mozart no good at his job?
A. He is decomposing.
Q. What is the best substitute for eyeballs in the ‘Witch’s Body’ game?
A. Sheep eyes probably – just ask your local butcher.
Q. Which cartoon dog investigates Haitian dark magic?
Q. Why is Dracula allergic to crucifixes?
A. He’s an atheist.