It’s been some time since last I attempted a joke challenge. After two consecutive years of Crap Cracker Jokes (2011 and 2012), I had given another jolly Christmas jokefest a break to allow the world to recover from my incessant punnery. But on 1st October 2014, somewhat on a whim, I thought I’d give it a go again – this time in anticipation of that scariest of holidays, Halloween. The theme of course would be anything spooky or related, but this time round there’d be 31 jokes (or anti-jokes), rather than my previous 24 (a la advent calendar tradition). It was tough going at times, but I think the results speak for themselves (take that any way you wish). You can either check the Twitter hashtag #hahalloween or simply see the full list below. And remember, anything can happen on Halloween!
Q. What’s a zombie’s favourite recipe book?
A. Graze Anatomy
Q. What do witches use to keep their skin wrinkly?
A. Gargoyle of Olay
Q. How do gravediggers cure a sore throat?
A. Coffin syrup
Q. Why did the corpse fail his X-Factor audition?
A. He wasn’t entombed (in tune)!
Q. What do you call a woman with knives for fingers who makes sexual advances on much younger men?
A. Freddie Cougar
Q. Where does Bigfoot buy his shoes?
A. Big Foot Locker
Q. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
A. He decided to stay home and watch THE SKULLS on DVD!
Q. Which of the Golden Girls was born in the Himalayas?
A. Yeti White (I’d also accept Estelle Yeti)
Q. What building grows hair every full moon?
A. The Curseskin (Gherkin)!
Q. Which actor always gets ‘tricked’ on Halloween?
A. Treat Williams
I am looking forward to the Halloween episode of The Walking Dead.
Q. How do you stop the undead from infringing a copyright?
A. Send them a deceased and desist letter
Q. What kind of burger has brown sauce and cheese slices and comes from the nether realm?
A. The H.P. LoveKraft
Q. What CD should you get a ghost for Christmas?
A. Ghouls Holland and his Rhythm and Boos Orchestraaaah!
Q. Who is the Archbishop of Transylvania?
A. Desmond Nosferatutu
Q. In which Muppets movie is Fozzie Bear burned alive by pagans?
A. The Wocka Wocka Man
Oh no, @BrainAppeal – don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to, you bunch of zombies!
Q. What is a SKELETON’s favourite Winter Olympics sport?
A. Scary curling!
I’ll never be able to play with my haunted Monopoly set – I don’t have a ghost of a Chance.
Q. Why did Jack the Ripper not kill any men?
A. He would have got the willies
Q. Which famous horror comic also had a fiendishly difficult puzzle section?
A. Tales from the Cryptic Crossword Keeper
It’s Frankenstein’s Monster, not Frankenstein’s MANster. #adamandeve #notadamandsteve
How to insult a mad scientist: tell them they couldn’t even organise a monster mash in their lab, late one night.
Q. Which Greek restaurant in Austin uses power tools in its kitchen?
A. The Texas Chain Saw Moussaka
Q. What did the police do when they found the dead Jack O’Lantern?
A. Inform his next of pumpkin
Q. Which soul singer was also a famed vampire hunter?
A. Luther Van Helsing
Q. What should you never give a child when they come round trick or treating?
A. Your number
Q. Which football team raised an army of the dead for its players?
A. Necromanchester United
Q. What’s the name of Dracula’s party boat?
A. Salem’s Yacht
Q. What is the sexiest Halloween costume?
A. The Phantom of the Opera, but topless
Q. Why does the Grim Reaper not like being told jokes?
A. He’s afraid his scythes might split