In spite of popular demand, The Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge is back! As last year, I posted a new festive-themed #crackerjoke a day on my Twitter feed, with variable success – everything from tumbleweeds to ticker tape parades. But for the benefit of everyone, here are all 24 compiled in one handy groan-inducing mega-post. So dial 99, and get ready to press that final 9 in case your sides split (from laughing, that is!).
I’ve got my Dad a watch for Christmas. There’s no present like the time.
Q. Where does tinsel come from?
I don’t get why the guy looking at those three ships on Christmas Day thought they were such an eyesore. Boats are lovely.
Q. Which play depicts a famous TV interview with one of Santa’s reindeer?
A. (Jack) Frost / Vixen
Q. How does Christopher Biggins avoid getting scurvy?
I used to look forward to parsnips at Christmas lunch, but then Ma told him he had to keep his shirt on.
Q. Which broadcaster moonlights as one of Santa’s helpers and boasts of his toy-making abilities?
A. Elven Bragg.
I loved my Christmas tree so much last year, I’m pining for it now.
Q. Which Ancient Egyptian figure visited the newborn baby Jesus?
Christmas pudding makes me horny; must be all that randy butter.
Q. How did Christmas Eve come about?
A. Christmas Adam’s rib.
Q. How do blind homosexuals read about the Annunciation in the Bible?
Q. What does Nina Simone sing when preparing mulled wine?
A. “Oh Cinnamon, where you gonna run to?”
Q. Which bestseller exposes the socio-financial impact and backroom dealings behind the gifts presented to Jesus?
Q. Did you hear Santa has a new fragrance out for Christmas?
A. It’s Scent Nick (Pour Homme).
Q. What do Australians hang on their door to stop people entering at Christmas time?
A. A Great Barrier Wreath.
Q. Which artist is always Christmas Number One on the Starship Enterprise?
A. William Riker, with “Snowfrakes”
Q. What treatment did Mary undertake to conceive Jesus?
A. The Holly and the IVF.
Q. What’s in Joan Rivers’ diary the day after Christmas?
A. Botoxing Day.
Q. What do you call a dinosaur that only feasts on people called Stephen?
A. Wenceslasaurus Rex
Q. What cut of dress or robe was the fashion of the time where Jesus was born?
A. The Bethle-Hem.
Q. What makes snow white?
A. Catchy songs, comedy dwarfs and a great villain!
We were going to stuff the turkey this Christmas, but thought it’d be quicker and easier if we just bury it.
Q. Why does Father Christmas put a lump of coal in children’s stockings?
A. Dementia. 😦