At the start of the month, I set myself a Twitter challenge (and you should follow me if you missed it): come up with a brand new festive-themed joke every day until Christmas in a sort of marriage twixt Advent Calendar and Cracker Joke. The Advent Calendar Crap Christmas Cracker Joke Challenge (or ACCCCJC for short) didn’t exactly set the world alight (no thanks to the surprisingly underused #crackerjoke hashtag), but, for posterity and to feed my own rampant mulled wine-fuelled ego, I present to you now all 24 of them for you to share amongst (or bore witless) family and friends across the entire Holiday Season…AND BEYOND!
You may note that as time went on, the punchlines became more strained, and the subject matter more questionable, but still I pressed on. In any case, I tried to pitch them somewhere amongst the traditonal cracker jokes of yore, the made-up jokes submitted to the Adam and Joe Show on 6 Music of today (and somewhat inspired by the cracker jokes featured in The Adam and Joe Book), and the Digitiser Man Daddy jokes of in between those two time periods, plus a few Peter Serafinowicz Twitter Q+A / Look Around You Databank pieces of faux-trivia.
Here they are, 24 slices of fried Christmas comedy gold!
Q. What does Santa eat for breakfast?
Did you hear Christopher Nolan is directing a version of the Nativity?
A. Immaculate Inception: in which Leo DiCaprio leads a team of angels into Mary’s womb to implant the Son of God.
Q. What was stuck on the bottom of Santa’s boot?
Q. Who did the third wise man bring along to the birth of Christ?
A. His Myrrh-maid.
Q. What should one serve after Christmas dinner?
A. After-dinner (New Testa-)mints!
Q. How can you spot a Snow Communist?
A. From his (hammer and) ice-sickle!
Bonus Answer: From his Marx in the snow.
Addendum: Snow Communist = Snowviet.
Q. How does Father Christmas monitor the fluctuations in the naughtiness and niceness of the world’s children?
A. Through the Stock-ing Exchange.
Q. Why did the drug-abusing Christmas tree visit the NHS walk-in centre?
A. To drop off its needles. #sayHOtodrugs
Q. What does the Duke of Edinburgh have for breakfast on Christmas Day?
A. The Queen’s Peach!
Q. Why did the snowman blush?
A. He had (sun blushed) tomatoes for cheeks! Also, he saw a naked Lady Snowman.
Q. Where is the best place in the world to eat Christmas Dinner?
A. Torquay (minus a million Christmas points if you answered Turkey)
Q. What is the most watched Christmas broadcast of all time?
A. The 1973 Morecambe and Wise Moon Landing.
When I was little, I was cast as the donkey in the school Nativity play, but then again, I was always making an ass of myself.
Q. What does Santa use to fuel his sleigh when the reindeer are resting?
Q. Why do Americans hang popcorn from their Christmas tree?
A. As punishment for being unfaithful to Mom Corn.
Q. What do you call someone who thinks Santa bringing gifts to kids is a cultural high water mark?
A. A stocking filler-stine.
Q. How did Penfold locate the Baby Jesus?
A. With a Manger Douse(-ing Rod)!
Q. Why is Rudolph’s nose so red?
A. Years of substance abuse. 😦
Q. What did Batman receive on New Year’s Day?
A. A Dark Knighthood – that’s SIR Batman to you!
Q. What injury did the WWI Christmas Day football players sustain on the Somme?
A. Missile-toe (kinda like trench foot, but festive).
Q. What does Sadako like to sing when she goes carolling?
A. “Nooo weeeellll, Nooo well!”
Q. What did the Trebor undercover agents eat while engaged in industrial espionage at the Polo factory Christmas party?
A. Mint spies.
Q. What is the grammatical term to describe being nervous that someone likes what you got them for Christmas?
A. Present tense.
Q. How many Father Christmases does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Zero – he doesn’t exist, kids. 😦