“I never tied people up and forced them to read my HaHalloween jokes, and I could’ve ’cause I’m a big guy and I’m good with knots.”
So, it was not my plan to embark on another HaHalloween episode. The barrel had been scraped, the well had run dry…or so we had thought (to be honest, many considered the barrels and wells empty to begin with). And yet, I coudn’t help myself once the puns began to flow. So another thirty-one hallowed days have passed, another thirty-one jokes, quips, and memery flung agains the Twitter wall in the hope anything would stick. Feast yourselves on HaHalloween III: The Final Chapter. Final, you say? Perhaps. Or perhaps more in the fashion of horror movie sequels. With every final chapter, comes a resurrection, reboot or remake…
Q. What’s a dungeon keeper’s favourite song?
A. Chained Melody.
Q. Why was the squire afraid of jousting lances?
A. Because he didn’t like things that go bumping the knight.
Q. How did the Headless Horseman appear to people when he wasn’t really there?
A. He was a Sleepy Hollowgram.
Q. How do you keep screams fresh?
A. Shriek wrap.
Q. Why do people see fewer ghosts nowadays?
A. Because fitted bedsheets are now more commonplace.
Q. On what audio format is it best to record the eulogy at a funeral?
A. Caskette tape.
Q. Which food critic compiled a guide book of Britain’s best brains?
A. Igor Ronay.
Q. Which is the Blair Witch’s favourite Mercury Prize-winning album?
A. Boy In Da Corner.
My Halloween pumpkin this year is fine, but it can’t hold a candle to last year’s.
Kid: I see dead people.
Bruce Willis: That’s not a sixth sense! Sight is one of the five normal senses, you dummy! Why I am even here?
Kid: …
Q. What do hangmen toast over a bonfire?
A. MarshGallows.
Q. What does Jason Voorhees like to do most today (Friday the 13th) of all days?
A. Hurt teens (Thirteenth).
Q. Which team of mutants led by the Antichrist fought against their more famous rivals in a game of Noughts & Crosses?
A. The O-Men.
Q. What does Batman wear on Halloween?
A. A Bruce Wayne mask.
Q. What is the subtitle of Mary Shelley 2.0’s classic internet novel, “Frankenstein.com”?
A. The Modem Prometheus.
Q. What’s it called when you’re a werewolf but the girl you’re into would rather date a vampire?
A. Getting TwilightZoned.
Q. What does Vincent Price use to look up gay Wiccans in his area?
A. WitchGrindr General.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Ghostbusters.
Ghostbusters who?
Ghostbusters who ya gonna call?
Ghostbusters!
Louder!
Ghostbusters!
Q. In which film is Edward Woodward burned alive in a giant humanoid structure made of chocolate, nougat, caramel and peanuts?
A. The Snickers Man.
Q. Why was the pumpkin embarrassed?
A. His mum walked in on him jacking his lantern.
Q. What do you call a ghost that doesn’t say “Boo”?
A. Shy.
Don’t know what’s so “cool” about dressing as a skeleton for Halloween. Your skeleton wears your dumb flesh and skin as a costume all year round.
Q. What do you call young apprentice executioners?
A. Guilloteens.
Q. How do you quantify the energy content of a candy skull?
A. Kcalavera.
Q. What did Hannibal Lecter have for breakfast?
A. Full English, mid-30s, about 5’10”.
“Um, actually, I think you’ll find garlic has no effect on us, that’s vampires.” – Wolfmansplaining.
Q. Why were AKB48 accused of operating on behalf of Satan?
A. Because the Devil makes work for idol hands.
Q. Who lives in the sewers of Newcastle and preys on the local kids?
A. Penny-wye-aye-se, man.
Q. How do you download a ghost?
A. Through the Apparition Store.
Q. What do you use to conduct a seance in Switzerland?
A. A YesYes Board.
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